attila head
The Plan

Attila's easy 12 step program.

Quit smoking! Lose weight! Get Rich and find true love with Attila! Live longer and go to heaven when you die!

How will voting for Attila help you achieve your wildest dreams? First, look at our plan in all the spheres of human cares.

  1. Get rich. Attila will provide a tax on stupidity. All those stupid enough to vote against him will be taxed in favor of those sectors of society which supported his ascent to power.
  2. Lose Weight. By marching on Rome Attila's supporters will use up a lot of excess calories. And the food there isn't as fattening as in other conquest destinations. (just imagine if we marched on Bavaria, we'd bloat our bellies on beer and bratwurst.)
  3. Save Money. With our Slash and Burn method, we will save billions on fuel costs, on prisons, and on other taxable expenses. We've even considered putting privatizing punishment on our platform, but it appears our opponents have beat us to that one. Remember, what's the point of a private punishment system if you can't profit from it?
  4. Be Uplifted. Is gravity getting you down? Why not join our campaign to repeal gravity? It's a fact that gravity kills more Huns every year than friction, guns, lack of parking spaces, creationists and evolution combined, so why not band together and ban gravity?
  5. Go to Heaven. Attila has the most comprehensive policy on faith of any of the candidates. No other candidate has publicly called for the beheading of the Archbishop of Canterbury.



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